When I start a new fitness class or running clinic, or even when I started this blog and I am faced with the task of introducing myself, I begin at the turning point. I always start at the beginning of this new fitness journey and give the summery that goes something like this; " 4 1/2 years ago I was sick with a resting heart rate of 120bpm, I could not do anything.......". Read my first blog entry and you will see the short story. But the real story is a lot longer and a more traumatic.
Just over 4 1/2 years ago I knew something was wrong but I had no idea what it was. I was so tired I did not have words for it. When I tried to tell people just how tired I was, I would start to cry. I had no balance and often felt faint. My fingers, legs, and arms twitched suddenly and often. My hands shook all of the time. I looked like I was going through withdrawals trying to hold anything steady in my hand. Whenever I tried to smile my face would twitch and shake and it would end up looking more like I wanted or was going to cry. My heart pounded all of the time, I was winded if I tried to climb a set of stairs or walk the 10 feet from my couch to my fridge. And, for the first time in my life, I was hot all of the time. I also went through a host of "girlie problems" that are too long to go into detail about, but need to be mentioned in hopes of providing a sense of the huge changes happening all of a sudden and all at once.
Prior to this point, I previously had a great family doctor that had passed away and I was left without a doctor for a number of years. I finally found one and had basically begged him to take me on, explaining how I was very rarely sick and would not be too much of a burden on his tremendously busy practise. For 2 years I had seen him only once per year for scheduled and routine physical visits. Now I had to face a man I barely knew and get him to understand that something was terribly wrong and that I was not crazy. Thankfully, he believed me.
It took a further 4 months for me to get to see a specialist, an endocrinologist to be exact. But, prior to giving a diagnosis, she needed to do some routine tests to see what was going on. In the interim I was put on heart medicine to control my very erratic and scary fast heart rate. The medicine would guarantee that my heart rate would not exceed 70-80bpm. It was a start, but it was not a long term solution.
I started to get depressed. I was incapable of doing anything. It was now winter and I could not walk my dogs, I could not shovel snow, I could not swim, I could barely work. While I had not been routinely active or part of any organised sport for a very long time, I was a healthy person. I rarely was sick or took time off of work, and even won awards for not ever taking time off work due to illness. This thing, what ever it was, was kicking my butt and my life was changing drastically. All I could think of was that I was going to be sick forever.
Then came a diagnosis. It will be 4 years this February. I was diagnosed with "graves disease" or hyperthyroidism. My thyroid was functioning in overdrive and it was the reason I was so sick. I was told that depression was common, that death did happen (my doctor's words were "I am not going to lie to you, people have died from this"), and that I was lucky that I had not had a stroke with my heart rhythm being such as it was. Then they told me the course of treatment. They would put me on a strong dose of medicine to "get the ball rolling" and to bring down my symptoms immediately.This immediately caused a 38lb weight gain in only 32 days! And we had not moved into the next course of treatment. Talk about depressed. This was very difficult for me to deal with.
They said that they would gradually reduce the levels of medicine and would eventually back me off of the heart medication. The hope was that my levels would fall into the normal range and we would be able to remove me from all meds with a normal functioning thyroid once again. This should lead to my body resetting and my weight normalising again too. The way we monitored my progress was through constant and routine blood tests every 6-10 weeks. Just another thing for me to deal with since I am terrified of needles and my veins often roll away from the needle. I have had my share of nasty bruises.
The unfortunate thing was that every time we got my levels in the normal range and lowered the dose to the lowest level before withdrawal from the medication, the levels would climb again. This resulted in a 3 year long see-sawing of weight gain, moderate weight loss, heart palpitations, sleepless nights, constant need for sleep, low levels of energy and energy to burn. All of these symptoms depending on the cycle that my body was in at any given moment. There was nothing predictable about what was going to happen, except that it was going to be unpredictable.
Then this spring we decided that the dangers of staying on medication were too great to keep going with no end in site. We decided to move through radioactive therapy and to "kill" my thyroid all together. This means that I am going to have to be on artificial thyroid hormone medication for the rest of my life. Just how much of a dose was going to be the trick.
One week after the procedure I returned to exercise. I knew it was going to be important to maintain a consistent routine so that I did not go crazy, but also so that I could help my body help itself. Three months after the procedure the first blood test showed that I had no thyroid hormone in my system at all. I needed to get on meds and I needed to get on them fast. They started me on a relatively high dose so that I could bring levels up to normal quickly and to hopefully avoid weight gain. It is something that is an issue with me and we did not want to add to complications and feelings of depression again. But, it turns out, nothing can be straight forward with me and another 6 weeks showed that there was no change. No change? Well there was one, another 14lbs of weight put on over the most active summer I had ever had! I was furious and embarrassed. I want to look as healthy and active as I am. I want to look like the athlete that I am. I want to have some kind of reward for the hard work. And so on.......
They upped the levels again and ordered tests for another 6 weeks. There were more complications, including an allergy and a change in medication along with a mix up at the pharmacy. Another 6 weeks and it was time for me to get more tests. I did my job and I went back but 2 1/2 weeks went by with no news or information. So, today I took matters into my own hands and called the doctor to see what was going on. I am so glad I did. You see, for the first time in 4 years, my levels are solidly in the "normal" range. My medication will not be adjusted and I will be able to go until the beginning of February before I have to let someone poke me in the arm and take more blood! We may have finally found the balance point.
I am not a pessimist by nature, but on this front I have been less than optimistic due to the constant ups and dreaded downs. I have struggled with body image issues, frustration, depression and anxiety. I have fought urges to scream, cry, give up and self medicate. I have lost more hair than I can measure (thank God I have a lot of it) and have had two minor medical procedures to fix womanly complications from such erratic thyroid levels. I have struggled and raged and fought to win this and now it seems that we may have actually gotten to the end point! I am so excited that I can see the end of the road where my life becomes predictable again and my body reacts just like everyone elses to the stresses and reward that I put it through.
After 4 1/2 years of uncertainty and worry, I have finally received a bit of good news. And you know what? It feels so good I think I just might cry.
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